Friday, 25 November 2016

Experiencing Relief in an Appreciated Privy

There are many locked outhouses dotted around the Villa Twaklinilkawt landscape.  Ordinary visitors are usually only permitted to use them with the written permission of the Villa Twaklinilkawt privy council.


It is strictly forbidden for anyone to use a privy midden here.  That is why the outhouses containing examples of them are always locked.

The pail privies are appropriately quaint, with a recent coating of pale pink paint though they are not sweet smelling if used.  That is why they are always locked, too.

There are no water closets around the grounds for gracious causes.  Water, especially clean water, is a precious resource in this part of the world, as is a safe, clean environment.

The permanent dry toilets are remarkably grand though somewhat exclusive.  Access to them requires possession of a daily pass, booked in advance.

The three powder rooms, accessible through the pretty flower rooms, also now require booking in advance.

The main duties of any privy council usually include the maintenance of privacy, dignity and hygiene.  For this reason, portable toilets of varying quality are available for hire to visitors on a user-pays basis.  Each such toilet is therefore supplied privately.  Many are likely to be chemical toilets.

There are squat toilets for persons preferring them, as well as the seating variety.  All much be booked, on a first-come, first-served basis.

There are also bidets and bidet showers for anyone seeking to clean themselves intimately, though the water must be ordered in advance and booked separately.

If you require toilet paper, for any purpose at all, this must also be booked separately.  The same applies for soap, hand towels and various other items required for the purposes of cleanliness, courtesy and dignity.

Wet wipes are strictly forbidden.  Usage will result in legal action against the miscreant, regardless of the individual's views on excrement or fair treatment.

Bookings can be made for individual toilet rooms and for more communal facilities.

There are urinals for men as well as female urination devices.  These should be booked in advance, too. 

Facilities for persons with various physical challenges can be adapted to the exact requirements of each individual, if enough advanced warning is given and all the technical specifications are supplied, along with the necessary funds.  Please contact your local government authorities, medical experts and the relevant charities for further assistance.

Anyone wishing to take a tour of the pissoir on the toilet humour terrace will be required to hum a tune by a great composer whilst doing so.  Auditions, as well as bookings, are essential.

Villa Twaklinilkawt is an interculturally respectable location.  Even so, there are few taboos here in terms of topics for important discussions.  There is, indeed, a lot of research into proper international etiquette.

We know a lot about the lota.  We know all about the tabo.  Those items can also be booked in advance.

Knowing the difference between composting toilets and great composers is essential whilst exploring any aspect of the work within and from Villa Twaklinilkawt, regardless of the cultural origins of the visitor.  Enlightened persons, for example, know the difference between a latrine and the obscene.

Although there are no pit latrines associates with Villa Twaklinilkawt, mainly due to environmental considerations, nor are there any bucket toilets in use. 

If you are unwilling to respect the necessity for interpersonal hygiene, public health and enlightened safety, then your visit is likely to be terminated very quickly indeed.  This particularly applies if you feel in the mood for open defecation.  That sort of behaviour is exceedingly ill mannered and highly dangerous.

Similarly, if you find any privies here to be inadequately private, inadequately clean or inadequately beautiful, please refer your complaints to the privy council.  Where do you usually complain about inadequate public health practices?

To complain in the interest of dignity is the right of everyone.  Public health, including psychological health, is only ignored when there is corruption and inadequate education.

If you are intending to spend a few days and nights in a creativity cabin in the grounds of Villa Twaklinilkawt, you may be interested in designing new privies or other useful facilities.

Do you have something like the Hundertwasser Toilets in mind?  Villa Twaklinilkawt already has the Tinkle Tinkle Little Twaklinesque Toilets, the Mozarty Most Arty Composition and Decomposition Dada Compost and Creativity Toilets, the Wee House, and the Peaceful Reflection Restrooms.

As you may be aware, the word toilet derives from the French word toile meaning cloth.  The French word toilette means little cloth.  The cloth in question covered a lady's dressing table.

There are no air fresheners associated with the appreciated privy, except for fresh air, fresh flowers and fresh herbs.  Similarly, all cleaning products associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt are non-toxic and non-intrusive.  All perfumed products are banned, including those likely to be worn by ignorant visitors.

The chamber pots are just for show, as are the commodes.  The close stools must be kept closed at all times.

Payment for using the toileting facilities associated with Villa Twaklinilkawt is one of the ways to pay respect towards the provision of such conveniences.  If you understand the biological aspects of human waste, you will probably also know something about the history of supplying water and sanitation in various parts of the world.

Payment in advance will also reflect your respect and appreciation of the privy attendants.